If you’re a twenty-something and you’re reading this, listen up, because your 20s are going to be some of the most impactful years of your life. Not only do you have to figure out your career path, but you’ll also be on the lookout for a life partner. This journey is deeply rooted in our human biology, psychology, and sociology. Dating in your 20s will shape you into the person you will be for the rest of your life.
The biology, psychology, and sociology when dating in your 20s
Hormones working in full overdrive, your physical traits hitting a peak before wrinkles and muscle loss starts to set in, and the introduction to all of the over 21 social gatherings. Yup, this is your 20s.
If you are a twenty-something, realize the opportunities laid out for you right now. You don’t have the responsibilities of a being a full-fledged working adult that’s married with kids. Society doesn’t expect much from you right now because you’re still just a “kid” and trying to figure out your place in the world.
You might think that your 20s aren’t a critical time to figure out anything because of the lack of responsibilities you might have, but they are, especially when it comes to finding a partner. You’re probably experiencing a host of physiologic, mental, and social signals telling you now is the time for dating (mating if you want to channel your inner caveman/cavewoman).
What are these signals telling you?
Understand these signals are there for a reason. This isn’t some random occurrence that is supposed to be a hindrance on your everyday functioning life. Rather, this is a higher power trying to tell you, “Psst, hey! I need you to build some confidence and get out there and meet some people. I got big plans for you.”
The only meaning you can pull from this is if you choose to pull meaning from it. You could just say, “JT, these are just human signals because we are social creatures, that’s it. Don’t look too deep into this.” I’d agree to us being social creatures and that is one of the reasons for these signals, but I do think there are some lessons we can pull from this.
(If you’ve been reading my posts for some time now, you know this whole blog is about discovering life’s lessons and meaning in everything, and this topic is no exception).
Related Reading: Dogs or Kids, Which Brings More Meaning to Your Life?
Make the Most of dating in Your 20s
Like I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of signs in your 20s indicating that it is time to take dating seriously and find a long-term partner. You have:
- College social gatherings
- Parties with friends
- Bar and club scenes
- Peak physical attractiveness
- An influx of hormones
- A natural sense of adventure and openness to new experiences
- Fewer responsibilities and baggage
There’s a lot to experience here. One of the saddest things I’ve seen is when a person doesn’t realize this, leading them to miss the chance to date throughout their 20s, or when they think they can still play the dating game well into their 30s without consequences. Both can have significant effects on your life.
“Dating wasn’t a focus in my twenties”
This group of people ignored the signals to go out and meet people. They maybe felt it was too difficult to get their lives in order to become an attractive person to the opposite sex, they pursued career and didn’t have time for dating, or they were scared of being alone and didn’t date anyone else, landing themselves in an unfulfilling long-term relationship.
“I just like having fun”
This group is known as having “Peter Pan syndrome”. They took advantage of all the signals of dating in their 20s but they didn’t find a partner or spouse to spend the rest of their lives with. They essentially pursued pleasure for 10 years believing that that in itself was the goal, only to realize later that time has caught up to them. They looked at dating in their 20s as a time for self-indulgence rather than learning experiences.
Both groups now find themselves in their 30s, trying to make up for lost time, but the difficulty is that society expects more from you as a thirty-something.
time to grow up
The world can be unforgiving. As each year passes without personal/inner growth, entropy begins to work against you. Entropy is the natural tendency of any system to move from order to disorder. According to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, every system is destined to break down over time, and the only way to slow down this process is through constant progress.
This is part of the laws of nature, the inevitable forces that shape our existence. As humans, we are in a constant battle against entropy. If you’re not growing or evolving, you’re essentially failing as the aging process itself works against you.
This is relevant because as we acknowledge the signals to date and find a fulfilling partner in our 20s, we are already ahead of those who procrastinated and are now trying to make the same rules of their 20s apply to their 30s.
Let’s compare three examples:
1) Stability and Alignment
Two individuals meet at a bar at 24 years old. They had already dated a handful of people and realized their “rock-solid standards” for the type of partner they’re looking for. On the first date, there was no funny business and both individuals told each other what they were looking for.
To their surprise, they both wanted the same thing. There was an alignment in values. They wasted no time and got married, had their first kid at 26 years old, their third and final kid at 31 years old.
By 32 years old, they were well established in their careers and had incredible financial stability. Not to mention, having kids pushed them to reach their full potential, since they had three mouths to feed. By the time they reached 40, the parents were wealthy, competent, and had the freedom to pursue things like travel, passion projects, expensive hobbies, staying fit and active, and spending time with their now older children.
They worked against entropy and saw the lessons to pull from their early 20s dating experience. The couple’s stability had granted them more freedom the older they got.
2) False Growth and Lack of Fulfillment
This individual is 23 and loves playing the field, so much so he/she makes a point to maximize their sex hormones, always makes sure they are looking physically fit and attractive to the opposite sex, and they always seem to be involved in the dating scene.
They’ve built a life that, on the surface, appears to be successful. They have a high-paying job, maybe even a managerial position. They maintain a large social circle and are always going to parties and social gatherings. They also have a ton of hobbies that they love to show off on social media.
This individual might be in a relationship. They might be dating a dozen different people all at the same time. All they care about is how they can keep this party going forever.
As their 30s approaches, their friends are now getting married and having kids. They don’t mind because they live for themselves. Why add kids to the mix and stop the fun?
At 33 years old, this individual begins to get worried. They just can’t seem to find a fulfilling relationship. They can’t trust the opposite sex. They aren’t finding fulfillment in friends, parties, or hobbies anymore.
At 40, this individual is bitter and resentful. They see their friends with kids, happy in their very quiet and simple lives. This individual now questions why the world has been so unsatisfactory towards them. They feel as if they are still the same person at 23. Nothing internal has changed about them.
They have money, a nice house, and any expensive toy they’ve ever wanted. Their dating pool has changed to divorcées who have kids, people with emotional baggage, or individuals just like them. This person still can’t find fulfillment in any of it.
3) Stagnation and Ignorance
This individual is 22 and just graduated college and headed to grad school. He/she has been in a long-distance relationship with their high school sweetheart. They only see each other 4 times a year. This individual is studying to become a doctor, so school is the focus.
This individual has no time for hobbies or learning how to build wealth (they have student loans). Staying fit is an afterthought. After all, they only see their partner every so often and they feel as if their partner doesn’t mind the weight they put on. They see people involved in the college dating scene and this individual responds with jealousy but rationalizing that school is a priority.
At 30 years old, this individual married their high school sweetheart. However, kids are not a priority until the student loans are paid off and they are at the point in their career they feel ready for kids.
At 38, this individual is divorced with one child. They struggle raising a baby at this age. They are not in great shape and still in debt from their student loans. The marriage ended because their partner cheated. This individual questions, “I did everything right and it still wasn’t enough. What did I do wrong?”
At 40 this person realizes how much time they lost. They chased career and ignored other aspects of life like their health, wealth, and relationship. The were unaware that anything else mattered or could be improved upon because they were raised to believe that career was everything.
Love being single as much as Being in a relationship
If you’re struggling with dating in your 20s, 30s, and beyond, there still are things you can do to get back on track and find fulfillment in your life and in a partner.
You may feel as if time is not on your side and that you need to be in a rush to find your soulmate. This is a clear sign you need to slow down and check in with yourself and see where this desire for a relationship is stemming from?
You’ll find that this feeling is stemming from our need for survival. We feel alone, which threatens our need for survival. Our ego does not like that and reacts by craving to be loved and wanted.
If you realize this, you’ll discover that being in a relationship is merely a preference. There are plenty of people who prefer to be single and, in fact, love it!
When I realized this in my 20s, I began to see all the perks of being single: You don’t have to answer to anyone, you have time for your hobbies, you can stay up as late you want and party till the break of dawn, which typically would cause great strife if you were in a relationship. There are no responsibilities to anyone other than yourself.
My first piece of advice to anyone who is craving a relationship, regardless of your age, is to first learn to love being single. What will happen is the moment you finally start enjoying being single, that special person will naturally come into your life. There is no better attractor to the opposite sex than seeing someone who is totally fulfilled.
Whether single or taken, happiness and fulfillment will always be found within yourself first.
it’s better to be single than be with someone who does not align with you
We grow up watching romantic movies and believe that is what true happiness is. When in reality, there is no shortage of couples who are together that absolutely despise each other.
I once had neighbors who were married and you can hear them cussing at each other every night, saying things you wouldn’t even say to your worst enemies.
For every happy married couple, I’ll show you fifty that aren’t. I wish I was exaggerating. I’ve maybe only seen one in the last 4 years that still look at each other goo-goo eyed as if their love for each other only grew with each passing year.
You do not want to commit long-term to someone that you do not align with in values. They will make your life a lot more difficult than if you stayed single. If you know yourself and what you stand for, it makes it easier to find those potential partners who are just like you and want the same things as you.
Be very mindful about the dating process. When you date, you are not just looking for anybody, but the person who you are going to take on life with. They will be your teammate through everything. You want to feel as if you are growing with your partner, not stagnating or regressing. That is a tall order to fill, but once it’s fulfilled, it makes life’s experiences all the more rich and meaningful.
capitalize on Opportunity
Wherever you are in your twenty-somethings, there has never been a better time to discover your intrinsic values that will attract the right person into your life. Take some time to find what you stand for, what you are looking for in a long-term partner, and what you’re willing to walk away from.
You have an opportunity to meet that one person who you will be spending the rest of your life with.
This person will be the one who picks you up when you’re down, who sees you for you with no judgement, who pushes you to be a better version of yourself everyday, and above all else will love you unconditionally.