If you were to ask me about the one trait that creates attraction between a man and a woman, I would say it’s decisiveness. That trait is far superior to either trying to put on a confident persona or spending all your time trying to improve your looks.
Decisiveness comes from a person who has not only experienced the world, but mastered it. Is there any other form of true confidence than that of a person who has overcome the world, and no longer seeks approval from anyone?
When you mean what you say, and don’t look for anything in return, that’s where true power lies.
Mean What You Say To Overcome Indecisiveness
To overcome indecision, you have to mean what you say. Everyone has opinions and beliefs, but how many people actually stand by them because they have rock-solid standards? See: How Having Rock-Solid Standards Helps You Find Your Soulmate
Many people do not have standards for themselves because everyone suffers from this one thing: The need to be accepted and liked.
If you look inward, you’ll find there is an unsettling primal fear of needing to be accepted. If you imagine yourself being outcast from others forever, that will bring up an immense amount of fear.
However, this fear is irrational. In fact, by overcoming this fear, you’ll have a sense of surety that only a small number of people are able to attain.
You’ll start to get clearer about what you stand for and what you’ll tolerate when you’ve transcended the fear of being liked.
Related Reading: How To Overcome The Need For Recognition And Acknowledgement
Ground Your Standards In Integrity
There is a caveat to all of this, though. You will only mean what you say when what you believe is grounded in integrity.
For example, you might believe that to attract others, whether it be a potential partner or social group, you must act cocky, “too cool for school”, or brag about who you are.
You can stick with that belief as long as you want, but behind it all is the need for approval. You’re acting arrogant in order to get others to like or want you.
When your belief is grounded in integrity, peace, love, and any other “higher” emotion or intention, you don’t need anything from anyone. You’re just being who you are.
When people feel like you don’t want or need anything from them, the only option they have is to be drawn to your presence. (Those who are turned off by “higher emotions” may avoid you, but those are people you don’t want in your life anyway). Mingle with those like you; avoid those who are unlike you.
approval Seeking Repels, Having surety Attracts
Back when I was dating in my 20s, I was really interested in understanding social environments and interactions. My goal every time I was in a social setting like a bar or house party, was to be completely sober and gain attraction, not just from women, but from whole social groups.
I often saw friends who would drink a ton of alcohol and compromise their health, yet they were always the center of attention. I knew I could easily order 3 whiskey sours and do the same thing, but my goal was not just to gain attraction; it was to understand why it was happening.
I remember being stifled during conversations or feeling like I was trying to force an outcome. It would be night after night, putting myself through this, but I was determined to figure it out.
Eventually, after many weekends of trial and error, I finally let go. The phrase, “Be in your own world,” popped into my head. I let go of caring to get any approval from anyone.
I would then approach women and social groups, being rejected by some and being accepted by others. Frankly, I didn’t care. I was just happy to be sure of what I was doing. I was free to finally just have fun!
After that, I experimented with drinking in social settings as an “A/B test” so to speak. Immediately I would tap into that non-caring, having fun attitude and achieved the same results that took a grind to get to while sober.
Now it made sense why drinking was so popular. It got you into that state of actually being yourself, uninhibited.
It was then, the lesson was internalized in my soul:
Being stifled, unsure, and approval seeking repels others. Having surety and decisiveness, and meaning what you say attracts people to you.
Tips To Getting Into An Uninhibited State
1) Speak With Radical Honesty
This is an experiment you can try. Speak with radical honesty; that is a sure-fire way to mean what you say because you start to unapologetically say what’s on your mind.
The next time someone speaks to you, say the first thing that comes to your mind. It might take a couple of tries to actually do it because you will see your ego chime in immediately and say, “No, don’t say that!” The more you do it, the easier it will become.
2) Go To Social Settings Without Alcohol
As I mentioned earlier, removing alcohol from the equation when you are in a social setting is one of the most intimidating ways to confront your fear of not being accepted. But it’s also the ideal environment to become truly uninhibited.
Few places challenge and shape you like bars or house parties—you’re thrown straight into the trenches.
3) Find Ways To Have Fun
In every endeavor or activity you do, always look for ways to amuse yourself and have fun. When you are having fun, you begin to look at the world as a playground.
Every situation starts to feel lighter, and you don’t take things too seriously. You live an easygoing life just waiting for the next ridiculous thing that makes you laugh. The more you can laugh and have fun, the more free you will start to feel.
4) Have An Unwavering Spiritual Commitment
Having an unwavering spiritual commitment means to pursue something greater than yourself. If you look through history, you will see that the ultimate sign of courage has been those who were willing to die standing for truth. How can we know what truth is? We must seek internal contemplation and reflection for those answers to be revealed.
When you are aligned with truth, then when you mean what you say, you really mean it, and no one can tell you otherwise.
5) Do Things For You, Not For Others
This might sound selfish, but it’s actually not. You know what is selfish? Thinking you know what’s best for other people without their approval or consent for you to intervene in their lives.
Some people have the insatiable urge to help others while ignoring helping themselves. The result is that you prevent people from learning crucial life lessons they would gain by experiencing hardship themselves (i.e. continuing to house and care for adult children instead of kicking them out because you feel bad for them). Related: Moving Away From Family Is Sometimes The Answer You Need
It is far better to make a million dollars and give generously, than to give generously while you yourself are struggling financially. Helping others becomes automatic when you yourself are fulfilled.
In this fulfilled state, you don’t seek anything from anyone, you begin to walk to the beat of your own drum, and opportunities to give and share of yourself become more prevalent. What’s more attractive than someone who is fulfilled?
If your cup is filled, it flows to other cups. Those whose cups are empty don’t have anything to give to others or themselves.
Become The Person You Actually Want To Be
The biggest pro to all of this is not that other people will begin to want to be around you; it’s that you become the person that you’ve always wanted to be.
Life is not meant to be lived on the sideline. You want to be the star player or the main character in your own movie.
If you follow these tips, you will begin to see a new version of yourself emerge. You will find that everything you say has value and people always look to you for your input and guidance.
People are naturally attracted to those who’ve mastered life’s most important lessons. As you grow, who you are on the inside begins to show on the outside—and that, in itself, is the ultimate reward.