What if I told you your biggest enemies to your success in life are your family? Okay, that is a little overdramatic. I won’t say your family is necessarily your enemy, but they can hinder your inner and outer growth by their attachment to you and the meaning you hold in their lives.
The ego inside all of us seeks to gain what it needs for its survival, and the importance your family’s egos places on you is necessary for their survival. We don’t need to feel upset or guilty about that; these are simply a part of the laws of nature. However, with our families’ grasp on our lives, it can be hard to get anywhere in life.
If we are being honest with ourselves, what we want is freedom. Freedom to do what we want in life, without anyone telling us, “No, you can’t do that.” Freedom to make our own decisions and mistakes without getting an earful of unsolicited advice. And sometimes, moving away from family is the answer to that problem.
Your view of the world is too small
I remember something my mom told me when I was deciding whether to go away to college or to stay local. My mind was made up that I would attend the local college and live at my parent’s house a little longer.
However, I did get into my dream school only two hours away, but I was scared. I was scared to leave my family, my friends, and the life I had built over the last 20 years of my life.
My mom, seeing how conflicted I was between the two schools, had one piece of advice, and little did I know it would change the course of my whole life. She said, “JT, your view of the world is too small.”
I contemplated on that piece of advice that night. When I woke up, I decided I would leave everything I knew behind to pursue a path unknown to me.
Long story short, it ended up being the best decision because it made me realize how venturing into the unknown leads to a life of adventure and inner growth. My life now looks like the heroic journey of going from a naive boy to a competent man.
Little did I know, that when I came back home as a man, I would find my family clinging on to my strength and confidence, pulling me down and into their problems.
Your family wants what’s best for them
Your family is driven by what’s best for them. How do I know this? Because if someone truly cares about you, they would give you the freedom to experience whatever you want to experience.
(Quick aside: As a parent, I believe it is your responsibility to guide your children to the best of your ability to make the right decisions. As your child becomes an adult, you have to allow them to live the life they see fit for themselves. You may not like it, but your job as a parent is over. It doesn’t mean you have to approve of their adult choices, but whether they do something or not is entirely up to them).
You can lead someone to water but you can’t make them drink. This is the case when we have a family member who advises us out of love, but they don’t force anything onto you. These members truly care about you.
Those who emotionalize and react in a retaliatory manner, are the ones to avoid.
The Ego’s Worldview is Challenged
As you will see on your spiritual journey (the inner and outer journey you take to reach your full potential), people who you loved dearly will lash out at you as you begin to change. Why does this happen?
You’re challenging their view of the world. In an extreme example, to go and quit your full-time job and travel the world in order to satisfy a spiritual urge, will throw your family into a frenzy. (I don’t advise risky decision-making on your spiritual path, quite the opposite. See: The Correct Way To Achieve Your Goals Through Spiritual Manifestation).
If you change, that means they have to change. You kept your family secure by holding your place in the family, by being exactly who they want and expect you to be. If you make a dramatic change within yourself, and it is not congruent with what they hold you in mind to be, expect tension and backlash.
As you change yourself, it gives others the opportunity to change.
However, this does not mean that change is welcomed. Getting others to change is like pulling teeth. The human ego is so set in its ways and patterns that to change means death of the ego.
To change, one must set aside everything they know to be true, have some humility and an open mind, and venture into the unknown. That’s why you won’t change others by forcing it on them. The best shot of having those around you change is to pursue your path and not intervene in others’ paths. Become non-attached.
The Ego Pulls you down, It Doesn’t lift you up
When I moved back in with family after shutting down my failed business, I didn’t have two pennies to rub together. However, this was a much-needed break from the frantic pursuit of money. I began to live a more simple lifestyle where I could focus on spiritual work and my internal growth.
As my inner confidence began to grow, I started noticing my family’s egos all challenging my beliefs. The home I grew up in that I thought was a safe haven became a spiritual battlefield, where every day I would wake up and have to be prepared for the antagonizing conversations to come.
I needed a way out. Luckily, meeting my soulmate, Anya, around this time gave me the perfect reason to get out so we could move in together.
I was shocked. I thought my family had my back. As much as they say (and still say) they love me, their actions at times have shown otherwise. I love my family, but sometimes avoidance is necessary. Avoidance doesn’t mean I hate them or don’t love them; avoidance just means, “Hey, we don’t mesh together, and that’s okay.”
As I’ve grown spiritually, I began to see that there are some people who are run more by their egos and want to pull you down. Then, there are individuals run more by their Spirit and want to lift you up. Surround yourself with those who uplift you.
Moving away from family to break free from their suffering
Anya and I packed our bags and moved hundreds of miles away from our families. Partially to move away from their draining energies that distract us, but also to build our own family and pursue our grand adventure of what we want to do.
When you have a spiritual calling, that should take priority over every other goal you may have. With that, we have to accept that our families may not understand and they will challenge it, and at times, resent you for it.
This is not a reflection on you or your goals; rather, this is more of a reflection on the types of people who may be in your family. Their disapproval of your goals indicates that they are suffering due to the lack of pursuit of theirs.
Maybe your mom or dad wanted to move away from their parents at one point in their lives and never had the courage to do so. Maybe your sibling wanted to pursue a hobby and turn it into a business, but kept making excuses. Maybe your cousin stayed working a dead-end job because they were too lazy to work harder. (See: If You Can Make $1, Here’s How To Make $1 Million).
People, not just your family, are jealous of those who reflect back to them everything they are not. In other words, they hate you cuz they ain’t you!
It is wise to notice those individuals that are like this and respond with an internal acknowledgement of compassion. We don’t need to give them advice or intervene in their lives, we simply bless them and pray for them behind closed doors.
How Do you know when moving away from family is the right decision
This is the hard question. It may take months or even years of discernment to see what is best for you. To save you time, here’s a simple checklist:
- Does your family drain you or uplift you?
- Does your family make you feel free or trapped?
- Does your family get excited for you or react with disappointment?
If you answered these with “drain,” “trapped,” and “disappointment,” it’s time to pack your bags and say “adios.”
Just because they are your family, it does not mean to hold them in a higher esteem than any other human on this planet. They still have an animalistic ego, just like everyone else. If you hold them in a higher esteem and they treat you poorly, you do so at your own expense.
It is wise to surround yourself with those who are similar to you or you face the consequences of being pulled down by those not like you.
If you choose to move away, this does not mean (although it might, depending on the situation) completely shunning your family from your life. You will more than likely still visit and interact with them, but the difference now is that you can remain non-attached to their emotions and behaviors.
You can love them and see them for where they are at on their own spiritual journey and still choose to avoid them; that does not make you a bad person (it makes you a wise person, if anything).
You may lose a family, but what you gain along the way is a new family, a spiritual family. You will meet new like-minded individuals who support your goals and want nothing from you but to see you grow and reach your full potential.
It takes courage to move away from family, but it opens the door to meeting energetically similar individuals, new experiences that you thought were only possible in movies or books, and a newfound sense of freedom.
You can finally be YOU, uninhibited by the expectations, roles, or limitations that once defined you. That is freedom.