JT, what is your best advice for finding your soulmate? My best advice is, “Have standards.” If you can master having standards, you will attract only the right people into your life. If you can have standards, you can walk away from a toxic, incompatible, or broken relationship permanently and finally start living your own love story. You’ll be so surprised when you find that special person. You’ll think Hollywood wrote the script. In this article, I’m going to unpack how your very own values and principles are the key to finding your soulmate.
What are standards?
Have you ever heard of that quote, “If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten”? Well, that’s what is constantly happening when we are in the dating world. How many of you have that one friend that keeps dating the same type of person and it always ends up the same? Badly.
You wonder, “When will they ever learn?” The sad fact is, they probably will never learn. But why do they do it then? To some degree they are ignorant to there even being a problem. In reality, they don’t have the values within themselves to choose better.
Standards are not something that can be learned in a book or from a course. No, actually quite the opposite. Standards are discovered internally when you’ve experienced enough pain to not want a certain outcome again.
If I kept getting punched in the face just because I enjoy boxing, at some point, you’d hope I’d start to question, “Why do I keep doing this? My face hurts. I’m out.” This is what modern dating is like, everyone enduring pain without questioning it. No wonder we seek marriage; we just want the punches to stop.
In today’s dating culture, many couples aren’t together because of high personal standards but to remedy their own insecurities. Most couples today are two halves trying to make a whole, whereas the goal should be two whole individuals taking on life together.
Common Insecurities that prevent finding your soulmate
Make no mistake, finding your soulmate has more to do with removing your own insecurities than searching high and low for a partner. Don’t believe me? Do any of these insecurities sound familiar:
- I don’t want to be alone.
- I just don’t want to be rejected anymore.
- I want someone who will tell me how beautiful I am every day.
- All my friends have a significant other, I feel left out.
- Everyone always leaves me.
- I want to feel experienced dating the opposite sex.
- I just want to be noticed.
- I don’t feel attractive.
- I want to feel special to someone.
- I feel like I’m falling behind if I don’t have someone.
- I need to have kids, I’m running out of time!
I know we’ve all probably experienced at least a couple of these. I know I’ve probably experienced most of these! But, what’s the take away from this? IT’S OKAY! No one is asking for perfection, we are only human. However, if you’re ready to stop feeling like this and to find your soulmate, we need to get to work.
You find your soulmate first, within
The realization I had before meeting my wife, Anya, was this, “You attract what you are.” I didn’t stumble upon this in some fortune cookie, nor did I uncover it after scouring religious texts. No, it dawned on me when I chose to look within, exhausted by the overwhelming pain of the endless cycle of meaningless dating, and finally hit my breaking point.
The phrase appeared out of a revelation from my unconscious mind (the part of ourselves we keep repressed), to my conscious mind (the part of the mind that is aware). Because this was an internal realization, it felt as if that lesson was ingrained in my soul and not some rule I had to follow or reaffirm to myself. It actually became very easy to have standards. I knew if I kept pursuing meaningless relationships it would only lead to more pain. This became the guiding factor in attracting my soulmate into my life.
Related: Dogs or Kids, Which Brings More Meaning to Your Life?
In order to find more meaning in a relationship, I knew I had to shed the layers of the old me and become better. I had to take a moral inventory of myself. I had to ask myself and answer with radical honesty: Who was I and what did I stand for? Why am I dating the people I’m dating? What am I looking for in a relationship? What am I willing to walk away from? Would I be willing to uphold my standards, even if it takes a lifetime to find my soulmate?
If you answered all of these, congratulations! You’re already 80% of the way there! If some of these were hard for you to answer, well you know you have more inner work to do. I recommend getting out a pen and paper and jot down all the questions you can that relate to your situation and answer them with complete honesty. When you can answer all of them without hesitation, you’ll know you’re making real progress!
Don’t expect Gold, if you’re Copper
Go for gold as they say, but seems impossible if you’re copper. What I’m talking about here is to take an honest look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? Yes, perhaps you could use a haircut or build some muscle, but beyond that what do you see? Do you see someone worthy of that which you seek? In other words, do you think the partner you want would want you?
So many people overestimate their ability to attract what they desire, whether it’s a partner, success, or opportunities. This is a result of the ego. In order to find your soulmate, you must take an honest look at what you can realistically achieve.
This isn’t me saying your stuck the way you are. Far from it! Hell, I wasn’t even copper at one point in time. What I’m saying is that you can change and you can work on yourself.
Be honest with yourself in terms of personality, physical looks, career, financial stability, and emotional maturity. Again, write down where you can improve and start working on those. Maybe you need to go to the gym, maybe you need to see a therapist, maybe you need to get a better job, etc. There is always something that you can improve on.
External work aside, becoming gold will be an internal process. When you work on your insecurities first, the outer world will begin to reflect that. That is also how permanent change is made. One month you may be copper, two months later bronze, then a year later silver, and two years later gold. It won’t be instantaneous but it is possible when you take it seriously and begin to be consistent and devoted to your personal growth.
All your previous relationships have been preparation for your soulmate
Remember when I said at the beginning that when you find that special person, it will be straight out of a Hollywood script? I wasn’t exaggerating. When I met Anya, it was within a couple weeks time of when I had the realization, “you attract what you are.” Not only that, but on the date, she mentioned how she was in a similar place with dating. We stayed up until 2 a.m. talking, discovered that we were reading the same book, and found out we were both on the final chapter!
Now being married and having endless deep conversations, it became apparent to us that everything we had experienced from our past, has led up perfectly to us meeting. Every previous relationship was merely a stepping stone to finding each other and each one carried a lesson.
So we don’t need to have any ill will towards our exes or previous partners, rather we can wish them all the best and there are no hard feelings about any of it. If we are willing to move on, we open the door to not only finding our soulmate, but also a new and improved version of ourselves. That makes it all worth it.