Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Committing to one person, building a family, and facing life’s challenges side by side is no easy task. We all know it takes work, but there’s a secret to a long lasting marriage that makes that work feel lighter and turns it into something meaningful.
Most people will tell you the key is communication, love, trust, compromise, or sacrifice. And yes, those come into play. But there’s really just one thing, at the root of it all, that makes all of them come together effortlessly.
Why all the Unsuccessful Marriages?
At this point, in our interconnected, decadent culture, you’ve probably heard a lot of negative things about marriage. That it’s a money trap, that you’ll lose all your free time once you have kids, that love fades after the honeymoon phase, or that divorce is just around the corner. It’s easy to start believing that a long-lasting, happy marriage is impossible, or that it only happens for the lucky few.
“As of 2024, the divorce rate for first marriages in the United States remains between 40% and 50% (Modern Family Law).”
So we know that almost half of marriages will fail (I’d argue that it’s not the institution of marriage that’s the problem; those couples probably shouldn’t have been together in the first place). What you don’t hear often, though, are the many benefits of marriage that make it worthwhile. Such as:
- Improved mental well-being: Unmarried individuals have a 79% higher risk of experiencing depressive symptoms compared to married individuals (New York Post).
- Health Advantages: Married people tend to live longer, have fewer strokes and heart attacks, face a lower risk of depression, are less likely to be diagnosed with advanced cancer (and more likely to survive it), and even have better survival rates after major surgery (Harvard Health Publishing).
- Financial Gains: Married individuals approaching retirement hold, on average, more than $640,000 in assets, compared to just $167,000 for their divorced or never-married peers (Institute for Family Studies).
- Sense of Purpose: This study found that being in a high-quality romantic relationship can enhance one’s sense of purpose (PubMed Central).
There are plenty of benefits to getting married. I know after I got married, I’ve only made more money, feel like I have more purpose and direction, and I seem to be in the best shape of my life while still keeping dessert on the menu. I credit most of this to incorporating these daily weight loss strategies.
So if you want to reap the benefits of marriage with your soulmate, and not end up being a part of the divorce statistics, then we need to uncover the secret to a long happy marriage.
The Secret To a Long Lasting Marriage
The number one secret to a long lasting marriage that no one talks about is… drum roll please… “open-mindedness.”
Yup, that’s it! Okay, good luck! You got this!
Jk jk, I won’t abandon you.
Yes, open-mindedness! Why is that? Well, let’s take all the things we mentioned before that they say are the secret to a long marriage: communication, love, compromise, yada yada blah blah. Those don’t exactly get to the root of the problem, do they?
Communication is great, but you can easily communicate the wrong things and your marriage tanks. The root of the problem in every marriage dispute is a lack of alignment with your partner; aka not being on the same page.
Opposites don’t Attract
How many times have you heard the program, I mean phrase, “opposites attract.” No actually I meant program. That phrase is a program or belief system we tell ourselves that essentially provides rationale why we should be dating people that are not like us.
See: Dating In Your 20s Shapes Your Life More Than You Think
No, DO NOT date people who are not like you, God forbid marry someone not like you. That’s like saying you want to build your dream life, but you think it would be easier with a 100 pound weight tied to you. Huh, now that old saying about a spouse being the ol’ ball and chain makes sense.
The reason we are attracted to people not like us, is because we do not have standards for ourselves, and we project our repressed qualities onto our partners. If you mean what you say, in every facet of life, you create attraction between the right people, and you remove the wrong people.
Here’s an example of what this looks like:
Boy A, likes Girl B. Girl B is sassy, rude, and short-tempered. Boy A, is soft, kind, and sensitive. Boy A is drawn to Girl B because he is trying to feel “whole” again. Boy A can feel whole again when he acknowledges his own capacity of being sassy, rude, and short-tempered, and that he has repressed those qualities due to past traumas or “karma.” When boy A integrates those repressed qualities, he becomes whole and now seeks a partner who is also whole.
That is a very simplified example but the lesson is this: Two whole individuals are better than two halves trying to make a whole.
That is why it is wise to do a lot of inner shadow work, or spiritual work to become whole again.
An Open Mind Allows For Real Change
How many of you know a couple or maybe you are this couple that likes to “agree to disagree?” This does nothing but stop the real change from happening. In actuality, what you are telling your partner at a subconscious level is, “I’m not changing and I will always dislike that you have an opposing view to me.”
Doing this over and over in your marriage or relationship will only lead to resentment. You may find after 50 years, you don’t even really know your partner, or yourself, because there is no alignment or agreement in anything.
An open mind, opens the door for a couple to come to a mutually agreed upon truth. In other words, it helps get you on the same page because you were willing to change.
Find the Hidden Truth of The Matter
So you don’t want to change, nor does your partner. Okay, fair; we’re only human. Even to this day I still have disagreements with my wife.
An open mind won’t stop disputes from happening, nor should you want that to happen. Disputes are opportunities for change and to grow closer to your partner.
Having an open mind will lead you to hearing out your partner; their experiences, emotions, and how they arrived at their conclusion. And vice versa, you can share yours with your partner.
When you are open to change, you are then able to communicate more effectively with your partner and now both of you can find a mutually shared truth.
The goal of every fight in a marriage is to seek an answer. This answer, if it is in truth, will resolve the problem. It will resolve the two extremes that you both have chosen. Here are some examples of what this looks like:
Financial Fights
A married couple has been fighting over each other’s spending habits. One person has enormous amounts of credit card debt and the other likes to spend on clothes and neglect to spend on their basic necessities and vacation savings goal.
Each person is coming from a judgmental attitude towards the other, while rationalizing why their position isn’t the problem. The couple ignores any sort of talk about money and immediately shuts down a conversation about it by saying, “It’s my money, I can do what I want with it.”
The couple both agree to have an open mind, they are then able to hear each other’s point of view. One person feels insecure of not having enough in their childhood and so they want to feel like they can spend freely. The other person wants to feel in control and not tied to anything with their spending. These issues were uncovered by simply being open to change and working together.
The couple, being open to new solutions, realize now that they are married, their individual money now becomes “their” money. They decide to join their finances together in a shared checking account, pay down their debts, and focus on growth of their overall net worth and hit their family financial goals.
Health, Intimacy, and Attraction
A married couple has been fighting about intimacy. One person has been cold; they have no physical attraction for their partner anymore and have not been able to express sexual intimacy towards them. The other individual in the marriage, feels rejected by their partner. They have put on an unhealthy amount of weight and don’t feel attractive anymore.
One partner claims they’re just not in the mood for any sort of physical intimacy, while the other criticizes them for not loving them or desiring them. One is avoiding the situation while the other is placing blame.
The couple decides to have an open mind to hearing out each other’s perspective. After deep discussion and getting to the root of the issue, they discover that all they want is to both feel desired and attracted to each other so they can have a great sex life and feel loved.
The couple decides to go to the gym together, go on long walks, and get their diet in order. They agree to call out each other in a “coaching” sort of way to hold each other accountable. The situation becomes more about living a long healthy life together rather than trying to gain something from each other.
The couple works together to achieve their dream physiques, and now they are the “attractive couple” that so many couples seek to be.
Related Reading: Low-Protein Diets: The Secret To Slimming Down And Looking Toned
Mismatched Values
A couple has been “different” since they got married. They thought they were meant for each other, but marriage revealed a mismatch in values between the two.
One partner lacks ambition, is pessimistic towards life, shuts down any suggestions for self-improvement activities, and hates when their partner brings those topics up. The other individual just wants to feel like they are thriving and not surviving. They feel scared to even bring anything up to their partner anymore.
The individual that wants to thrive comes to the conclusion, that for the betterment of their kids, she needs to leave the marriage and find someone who is more aligned with their values and goals.
As they bring this up, the pessimistic partner is shocked and breaks down. They reveal that they have been feeling hopeless for a long time and want to get better. They don’t want to lose what they have, and so, with an open mind, they have a willingness to grow and change. To become a better person.
5 years later of constant inner work and being there for one another, the family is thriving. They now realize that being open to change, opens the door for self-improvement, and the couple is closer than ever.
Even a couple with mismatched values, can turn them around and grow together.
Every Married Couple Wants To Feel A Sense Of Inner Growth
Now you know, the secret to a long lasting marriage is to remain open-minded so that something great and unexpected can come into the marriage to help resolve the opposing positions.
This is the key to feeling like your marriage is progressing. That is all every married couple wants; they want to feel like their marriage becomes a grand adventure, like they are taking upward movements to something greater for the rest of their life.
On the outside, this might look like achieving a higher net worth together, becoming more fit and physically attractive, or having others see them as a couple madly in love.
On the inside, what this feels like is you are truly becoming ONE with your partner. That each fight leads to an alignment in values, and you become secure with one another. It’s like knowing your partner so well that you just feel at “home.”
The next time you or your partner have a fight, before all else, ask them, “Do you have an open mind?” and if they can be open, you can solve anything. You’ll know that every obstacle can be overcome together, and 50 years later you can look back at your grand life together feeling the oneness and security that every married couple strives for.
Related: Moving Away From Family Is Sometimes The Answer You Need